Marauders Sedated
by Pens-Design
Summary: So the four Marauders are stuck in their dorm for another drab night... or is it? Doesn't James decide to strike out onto another adventure.


The Marauders sit in a shabby dorm room with "Dazed and Confused" by Led Zeppelin playing muffled in the background. James Potter flicks his wand and a flame sparks to life on its tip. He gently touches the flame to his cigarette perched between his partially opened lips. Sirius Black, Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew sit in front of him in a semi circle chuckling absently.

James: Why, on this mundane earth, do I need to wear pants… it's a simple question of comfortability, don't you think!?

Remus: James, you need pants if you're going to ask Lilly Evans out.

James: Well that's just silly. If she can't accept me without pants, we're not going to get on well now are we?

Sirius: Well said. Here here for Pants-less Potter!

Sirius lifts his blunt and takes a drag, smouldering ash on the red and gold carpet.

Remus: If you think about it. Weird is only a state of mind… being different isn't a huge deal. I mean everyone is different in his or her own way… aren't we? I mean. Take being a werewolf. That's not totally insane. Loads of people accept stray animals?

Sirius: Mooney, you're no stray. You're everything the Hounds of Baskerville wanted to be, and that's what we love about you.

Remus: Yes, but no one is as psychotic as you.

James lifts his wand and taps it on the four-poster.

James: Lads, lads. Let's not lose our focus! Shhh!

Sirius: But most certainly our pants!

Remus and Peter break into silent giggles as James taps his wand harder on the four-poster. Tiny rubber ducks spew out where the flame had once ignited.

James: Shhh! I need a…quill!

Remus: Merlin's beard! What's in his head?

Sirius: I'd say a whole whack of smoke, and girls… and snitches… *cough*

Peter: He's thinking about Quidditch?

Sirius: Not exact—

Remus: Yes Peter.

James: Silence Marauders! I have found the quill… I am writing… to my love. The redheaded siren, who, like in every Quidditch match I will score—

Remus: You're not writing that are you?!

James: You're right. I can't write this, I'll look like a sappy fool with a quill up his ass.

Peter: What if she likes the sappy, romantic type?

James: I'm as romantic as the evening owl's wing.

Sirius continues to roll around on the floor doubled over with laughter.

Remus: May I suggest you write her when you're not "flying without a broomstick"?

Sirius: In other words, when you're not farting smoke rings!

James twirls his wand and the Marauders map flies into his hands.

James: All I need to do is get her alone, out of the impenetrable girl's dorm! There she is… my starlight. Lily Evans, pacing in the Owlery with Albus Dumbledor. HOLD ON A SNIVELLUS SECOND!

Remus/ Sirius: Dumbledor?

Peter: Lilly Evans!?

James: The Owlery! – Wait what?

All eyes turn to Peter. James is the first to break the silent air of "what the fuck".

James: Yes, of course Lily Evans, who the blazes did you think was my starlight, my neverending love cuddles? I mean in a manly way. Cuddles can be manly!

Peter: Oh… nevermind, I just thought…

James scoffs, about to retort, when Sirius cuts in.

Sirius: Don't bother him, he's just confused. Now Peter, tell me… Who did you think it was?

Peter: Oh thanks Sirius, ha ha, you guys are gonna laugh, see I was all the time thinking James was writing to McGonagall.

Sirius: You son of a rat's ass! McGonagall is a fine woman. The likelihood of Potter seeing beyond his polished mirror is one thing, but he couldn't spot a fine woman like Minerva even with those glasses of his. Minerva would never be swayed by some premature- punk's scribbles on a bit of parchment! Minerva is a goddess out of Wizards Weekly Wonder's mag. You couldn't find a saucier lady if you touched your hand to the sun. Lily is like the simple lady-bug compared to Minerva's sex-butterfly!

Peter: Wow…!

James who'd been distracted by a beetle scurrying across the floor suddenly looks up.

James: All of you be quiet! Sirius, whatever you said, brilliant. But I have a real plan!

Remus: I'm suddenly famished… shall we go to the kitchens?

James: First to the kitchens, then to the accessible Owlery, and then Lily… 150 points!

The tiny rubber ducks swarm around Peter and emit tiny squeaks of delight, which he mimics. James heads for the door, invisibility cloak strung around his head and torso like a shawl.

Sirius: James… first, Pants!

EnD ScEnE!


End file.
